Settling Down

Not sure what it is that has posessed me to do this, and hopefully James won't mind, but for whatever reason I feel the need to repost one of his writings from a few years back. Something I think that is worth reposting:

I’m at that age where a lot of the people that I know have either gotten married or are getting married. I look at some of the couples, and see how some of them will work, how some will fall apart (either amicably or explosively), and how some will feel obligated to stay with each other for the rest of their lives because they said “I do” for the wrong reasons. The funny thing is that people are starting to look at me and ask when I am going to do the same.

Are you seeing anyone? Is it serious (which always sounds like they’re discussing a disease that you are afflicted by. He has what? Is it serious?)? When are you going to settle down?

I take offense at this. The very notion of “settling down” annoys me.

Let’s think about this on a word by word basis.

First off, I don’t want to settle for anything relationship-wise. I want to be in a serious relationship because I feel passionately about the person. Saying I have settled is downright insulting both to myself and the person, if any, I choose to marry. It implies that I’ve chosen to spend my life with that person because I can’t do any better or that I can’t get what I want.

Settling is what you tell yourself that you’re doing when what you have isn’t really what you want; when what you have doesn’t make you happy but is somewhat tolerable.

I refuse to do that. I would rather spend my life alone or simply having short relationships rather than settling on something I don’t want for the rest of my life. I was very close to marrying someone I loved very much several years ago, and I can guarantee you that I wasn’t settling for anything.

The person I marry will be someone that I want to see when I first wake up in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to sleep. This isn’t to say that I want to spend every waking moment with that person, because I don’t. I enjoy my time alone, and I would hope that she would too.

I want to be with someone who stand with me and whom I can stand with. I don’t want to be with someone who uses me as a crutch in order to prop themselves up for whatever reason.

I want to be with someone who has opinions and a mind of her own; someone I find attractive not only physically but intellectually and in other manners that aren’t as easy to quantify.

If I ever meet anyone that makes me feel that passionately again, then we’ll talk about my getting married. Until then, I’m going to enjoy life for the sake of life; not for what other people think I should do.

Let’s face it: I’m 25. It’s been a long and interesting trip so far, but I have, in theory at any rate, many years ahead of me on the path that I walk. To spend them with someone that I don’t truly love is just wrong in my opinion, and it amazes and insults me that my family seems to think that I should find my identity in someone else.

Now, for the second part – down.

As if settling for something that you don’t want isn’t bad enough, settling down is worse. It says that you are not only willing to spend your life with someone you don’t really want to, but that you are willing to spend your life with someone so far below what you want that it’s not even funny.

That, to me, is one of the worst things I can think of doing not only to myself but to the other person as well. It’s insulting to think that I would be happy “settling down” or that the other person would be happy either considering that the way I felt would affect our relationship.

Let’s face it. Nobody else can make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself or you’ll never be happy at all. To look to a relationship for validation or happiness is just insulting to everyone involved.

Learn to love yourself first for both your accomplishments and your faults. Look at yourself realistically but also with a humble pride (for lack of a better word at the moment), knowing both what you see as positive and negative about yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. If there is something you don’t like about yourself, think about why it bothers you. If the reason it bothers you is good, then work on changing whatever it is that bothers you about yourself.

It’s not easy, but things which are worthwhile rarely are.

Once you get to that point, you probably won’t want to “settle down” either.

When I first read it, it was definitely a glimpse into the type of man I was starting to fall for... the man I now love more deeply than I knew possible. Even then, in what I suppose is typical girlish fashion, I was both intimidated by what I thought I had to live up to, and warmed by the prospect that if someday he ever did ask, that would mean I am all those things.

The world has changed so much in those 3 1/2 years or so... and in true fashion to how so much of my life has worked, much of the changes have come all at once, in little floods where suddenly everything's turned on its side and the view is completely different than before.

It's strange, reading it again now...

I'm not so intimidated anymore.

Then again, I think I've gotten a bit better at enjoying things for what they are, instead of obsessing over what they could be. Fussing over what wasn't happened yet. Not that I never think about the what-ifs, think of what could be, but everyone does that to a certain degree.

Visit

James was in town yesterday for programmery type stuff (yes, that is a technical term, thankyouverymuch lol), so I met him near Polaris and we spent some time out together for a bit. It was kind of nice to get *out* with him again for a change... usually lately we don't tend to have much time so it's spent hiding away in the house, watching movies and whatnot.

We opted for just wandering around the mall - he'd just spent a lot of drive time so didn't want to run around in the car again, and we only had a couple hours until he had to be at the MS building (which turned out to be right next to the mall so had we planned better we could have had a bit more time... oh well). We pulled into the parking lot, and sitting there was a limo.

Oh, but not just any limo.

This thing was, honest to god, Barbie pink with purple flowers all over it.

Turned out it belonged to one of the stores now attached to the mall... some sort of party spa thing for little girls (that age where they're still all obsessed with dressing like princesses and getting ponies for Christmas and the like). Which... kind of explained the pink but still, wow. lol

And I thought the pickup-truck limo I once saw was scary.

Later on we had a chance to spend the evening in - dinner wasn't fancy, just some of my leftovers (which, impressively, he survived - I'm no great shakes in the cooking department), kicked back and watched a movie...

He stayed until the next afternoon. Then after he left I ran over to my folks' house for movie night. One Hour Photo - not bad, though not as "omgthiswillscareyoutodeath" as people made it out to be. Then again, I'm interested in psychology, so "psychological thrillers" don't really get to me all that much, I guess. Criminal Minds I have to be careful about watching at certain times of the day, but I agree with my mom that it's more likely the combination of the psychological stuff and all the graphic gore and the like. Plus certain filming styles get to me more than others, I've noticed. The last I watched Criminal Minds, it was rather dark and grayed-out a lot of the time. It's interesting what color and light do to your psyche. One Hour Photo, on the other hand, was very pale and washed-out. Except for the photos. Intentional, I'm sure - the effect worked for the movie, but psychologically speaking, for someone like me that made it easier to watch without feeling the usual semi-panic of suspense.

Things I learned from the Karate Kid movies

1. An 80s high school is a very dangerous place. There are big gangs of karate-fighting bullies all over the place, and the school officials will just watch and not stop them from beating you up.

2. 80s high schools regularly employ paramilitary groups just to hunt down students and get them in trouble. Because, you know, a regular hall monitor is just a sissy.

3. There are no police in the 80s. Everything is street justice. Somebody tries to kill you? No cops, have to learn karate to stop them.

4. All elderly Japanese men sound like they have been chain smoking for like 90 years.

5. In Japan, people speak broken English to each other instead of Japanese, even when the flighty American kid isn't around to need to understand them.

6. If you choke some kid in public, everyone will just stare and not do anything about it. Because, you know, choking kids is perfectly legal in the 80s.

7. Underage drinking is okay as long as it's sake, not beer.

8. 80s high schools conveniently have bird cages on the roof in case you find some injured hawk you want to hide or something.

9. Mr Miyagi is the only karate teacher in the known universe who isn't an arrogant jerk.

10. Maintenance guys at seedy apartment buildings can afford really awesome housing. Also, apparently once they start teaching Karate for free they don't have to show up at work anymore.

11. Being a karate instructor is exactly like being a mob boss. You get your own posse who pushes everybody around so you can pretty much own whole towns.

12. Japanese thugs kick harder than American ones.

13. Rich guys have nothing better to do than get revenge on complete strangers.

14. Shop doors in California obviously do not lock. Otherwise how would Daniel be dumb enough to leave it wide open for the bad guys to get in multiple times?

15. No seriously, there were no cops at all in the 80s. Nor were there insurance companies, so if your stuff gets stolen, you're screwed.

16. I stand corrected. There are cops, but they laugh at you when a crime is committed instead of doing their jobs.

17. Nobody can hear your evil laughter if you do it behind a wall.

And of course, the most important of all:

Don't mess with the old guy. He can kick your butt.

Yay for dads

Over the years, my dad has been my car mechanic, my hvac tech, my general handyman, my carpet installer, my bad-weather chauffer, my "bad guy" when I had to give the cat pills, my GPS system when I got lost (5 times) on the way to and from Chillicothe to visit James, my personal shopper for the occasional car part (I've busted two mirrors in the last year - one because a rock flung at it out of a snowblower, the other because I had to choose between hitting some idiot edging over the yellow line into my lane and hitting a trash can - I chose the trash can)...
Today he was my locksmith. I no longer have to beat the bejeezus out of my door to get it to shut properly. Apparently the freeze and thaw finally took its toll and something shifted all wonky. But it's all fixed now, thanks to my dad, who is talented at all things handyman-related and mechanical. And electrical, for that matter - he wired the basement when they finished it off into office and guest room space.

That's admittedly something that's been nice about having the family right around the corner. I want to ove further away eventually, but right now, when I've needed their help, they've been there to help me out quite a bit. Dad especially, because I'm pretty much at a loss when it comes to fixing things. Yeah, okay, I can check my oil, refill my wiper fluid, tighten screws back, hang a picture on the wall, that sort of thing... oh and apparently some guys at Home Depot were impressed (or flirting with me, could go either way) for actually changing my own air filters for the furnace. But had I tried to fix that door myself it'd probably somehow manage to be off the hinges and laying on the porch by now...

Yeah. Many thanks to my dad. Fixer of all things.

Though thinking about it, my house would probably be about as secure with no locks... I have a good security system. It's called "nosy grandfather with a shotgun". lol We call it the "grandpa alarm". You're on my porch? He doesn't know you? Invited or not, you can bet he's gonna ask you what you're doing there. Reasons I had to make sure to introduce him to James. I could just imagine the reports of him having to chase off some guy who was hanging around my house if I hadn't.

Oh, the shotgun? Yeah pretty much every house around here has one. Coyotes and raccoons and all that. Yes, there's the occasional threat of rabies too. Doesn't come up often, but you need something around just in case. I think I've seen one rabid animal in my entire life. Freakiest thing I've ever seen... dad aimed a shot next to it to try and scare it off, dang thing didn't flinch. That was pretty much the final tipoff that there was something seriously wrong with it... first being that it was out in the middle of the day and WAY too close to the house.

And before you start in with all the hillbilly jokes, both sets of grandparents are originally from Appalachia. :P

Wow.... ramble..... I need to go find dinner.

Waitaminnet

Okay, some weatherman owes me an explanation.

It was supposed to be 40 today.

Why is the forecast now only set at 33, and the current temp at 20?

I was so hoping to make it outdoors today... maybe put in some volunteer hours at the humane society in the nice weather, which I haven't had energy to do in a while.

Looks like I'll be a shut-in for another day.

Weather.com says it's going to be almost 50 tomorrow. *glares threateningly* They'd better not be lying.

I am SO ready for spring.

Too cold....

Yes, I realize I haven't been posting.

Between snowstorms and dealing with work, and the fact that winter generally doesn't agree with me (yes, like so many others, I am prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder - reasons I'd rather not move any futher north than I already am, much as I like Canada) - well, I'm feeling burnt out. And not much is going on anyway, so nothing to report. Even my Twitter feed has been dead for a while.

So yes, I'm still here. I am just seriously contemplating dressing up as a bear and going someplace to hibernate for the winter.

However I am open to any offers that will allow me to afford to move to the Bahamas. Any takers?

Relief finally in sight

It is above freezing at last after a string of below-zero days.

Yes, I went outside. And about keeled over when I saw actual GRASS. Mind you, there's still a few places that haven't melted down and have a foot of snow on them, but holy crap there's actually grass in my yard....

Also, does anybody know of a way, besides spraying soapy water on the leaves, to stop moldy stuff from growing on your plants? Apparently I accidentally introduced a mold into the house (I think it came in on my mint plant... damn me for buying it at a grocery store instead of finding a good greenhouse) and I'm having trouble with some of my plants getting a little fuzzy. :(

Ugh

It's too cold to be allowed. Would you believe, when I woke up this morning and checked the thermometer outside, it was sitting at TWENTY BELOW ZERO???

Would somebody be so kind as to offer me a winning lottery ticket or some other such thing that will allow me to buy a tiny remote island in the caribbean somewhere? Or at least enough money that I can hibernate all winter, every winter....

I don't want to deal with Ohio winters anymore. Too cold.

Change of address

Right, so as James just pointed out, I forgot to change my listed address on here. The old earthlink one no longer works. New one is now at the top of the screen.

For those who use my OU address, it's still fine - it forwards to the gmail.

So I come home tongight and my cat is yowling. This is fairly normal. I feed her, she stops for a bit. I get out of the shower, she yowls some more. Also normal, except her yowl is a bit hoarser, making her sound like her mother. I pet her for a minute. Then she follows me into the living room, more yowling, and insisting on being petted. Being a bit more demanding than is usual for my cat.

A little while later she goes tearing back and forth through the house. Now, I had been doing something so had pulled the stepstool out of my "guest room" which is more aptly the "junk room" right now since it has all the stuff in it I need to weed through and clean up. The cat follows me in, and finally I found the source of all her yowling and insistence for extra attention.

See, I had removed an old mirror off the wall (cheap thing, it was here when I moved in and I never bothered to take it down) because it was in the way of a new shelf I was putting up. And sat it in the junk room.

The cat walked up to it, staring and sniffing, then got nose to nose with her reflection and took off running again.

I had to turn the mirror around to get her to stop. *headdesk*

Yes, apparently Simba thought I had gotten a new cat to replace her, and was getting upset.

Visit

Well, Christmas is over. My DSL is all activated. James and I tried to figure out how to transfer my old emails to the new address... no luck. I'll have to do it the hard way - copy and paste archive. Earthlink's mailbox is apparently a pain to export from. We tried like 5 different methods and all failed.

Somewhat tired, but fairly content I'd say. I think James and I both needed the time together - life's been a bit weird lately and just having the chance to spend a couple days with him was nice. And I will admit, I rather like the feeling of coming home from work knowing he'll be there.

Spent this morning at my parents' place, fairly uneventful. But we now have some photos of the two of us, courtesy of my mother. We never actually had any before... and really no good recent ones of us separate either, so I'll have somethng to carry around now. I haven't actually seen the photos yet - mom's going to burn a CD.

He was going to wait and leave tomorrow, but given that the weather is supposed to get potentially nasty again by then, and there'll be more traffic from people heading home, he went ahead and left late this afternoon. I would have liked to have another night, but he has things to do, and keeping him in one piece is kind of on my priority list. Better for him to leave when we know the weather's clear than leave it to chance.

My cat is pouting now that he's left. Okay, so I am a bit too, but I think the cat is even more than I am. lol Hopefully we'll have more chances for quality time soon. Too many "have-to's" lately. But I do find that funny... the cat is sulking now. Yet much of the time he was here, she was snubbing him because he took her spot on the couch. And, of course, how dare anyone come into this house and take my attention away from the one thing worth paying attention to in the household. She is the Royal Fuzzball, and she demands your continuous worship. I mean, how dare he not pet her every second of his visit!

Anyway, the gifting and whatnot went nicely this year. Dad seemed to like the game I got him quite well - Sega Bass Fishing for Wii. The controls take a bit of getting used to, but it's pretty fun. Gave mom a gift card for lack of knowing what else to give her. Tea for my sister. James and I had agreed not to spend on each other this year (though I did get stocking stuffers because mom doesn't like having someone sit around with nothing to open - those were just a bunch of little things though). They gave him a set of photo frames, since I had told mom ahead of time that we wanted some photos taken. I have a new sweater, a nice new desk chair (hooray for having one that isn't like, ten years old and beat up - this one's nice and leather). Also got the full series of MASH - collector's edition - movie included. Which I will have to watch because I've never seen the movie. And, from my aunt and uncle, a nice oversized microplush throw.

And still the cat sulks.

Rain, rain, go away...

At least for one more day... Don't want icy roads today. :\

You know you're animal lovers when...

...you and your boyfriend both buy presents for each other's cat for the holidays.

And I've been taunting him all week with the fact that I got him the dorkiest stocking stuffers ever. And he knows he can't ask what they are because I won't tell him until he opens them. *snickers*

Why yes, I believe there is a little evil in me now and then.

Meanwhile, the dsl modem is on its way in the mail. Finally, finally I will have real internet. I'll tell you, going from a ridiculously fast connection in college, only to move back to your home "town" (because it's more field than town) and be stuck with no option but dialup, is just a big kick in the pants. Especially when you're an artist and used to browsing very image-heavy sites, along with uploading the occasional large-format file of your own work.

Having that take seconds rather than minutes or hours (yes, sometimes hours) will be a wonderful change. Hey, updating my programs won't take nearly as long! Especially when that new version of GIMP comes out with more bug fixes (and occasionally more bugs). I usually have to wait about 8 hours for that thing to download. And my dialup times out after 12 hours. Oh yeah. It's awesome.

No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Photoshop yet. One of these days I need to hunt down a used copy of PS7 (because I'm fond of the older program, since I learned on it and know all the controls), but for now I don't do enough digital art to really muck with it. Though that is changing now that I have a tablet... because GIMP rather likes to crash when I try to use my tablet. I don't know why it hates me so.

Anyway, enough rambling for one night. I think I'll go collapse on the couch with a nice cup of tea and relax for the evening.

Merry Christmas to me!

Well, not only is James planning to come up for the holidays (all forces of nature and travel and whatnot willing), but I came home to a message in my answering machine tonight from the phone company. The DSL switch went live today. It only allows a limited number of connections for now since the techs have just been sort of installing on their own time, so it's not your standard fullblown yay let's connect the whole neighborhood kind of thing yet, but since dad and I have been pestering them about it for months, we have the first two slots provided we sign up soon enough. So dad's calling them tomorrow to get the details for me.

This will mean I can actually get my second computer and work from home this winter. This will also mean my internet will not suck anymore. Which is a very, very good thing. I'm so sick of dialup. It'll be nice to actually click on a website and have it, you know, load again. I miss that. lol

back among the living... sort of

Well, I had to format the hard drive and start over. *sighs* For those who know about my OCD, you know this is stressing me out more than a bit (granted there are other things stressing me out lately, but if you know anything about OCD you'll know that only makes the symptoms worse). Because it takes a while to reinstall everything as a general rule anyway. On dialup it's like pulling teeth. So it's gonna be a while before things feel quite back to normal on my computer.

But Firefox has been updated with some shiny new add-ons that, while a bit annoying, will be much less annoying in the long run than having nasty little keyloggers install themselves on my computer, run even in safe mode, and disable everything that can kill them.

*grumbleshred*

So, I'm logging on from a library computer just to give a heads-up to folks that I won't be online for an unknown period of time. Apparently a realy nasty keylogger known as ISpyNow has installed itself on my machine, I assume somehow loaded itself through a script in an ad somewhere (once I fix this there will be some new plugins installed of Firefox to kill any and all scripts *grumbles*). But basically, it lets my computer be remotely viewed and controlled. Kicker - apparently, from what James has looked up, the thing is sold commercially. Anyway, it has disabled my spyware scanners and effectively blocked me from downloading new ones by blocking the websites of all the scanners I know of. It has caused my task manager to stop functioning properly (I can no longer view the "running processes" tab), my virus scanner can't access its update database, and I can't even find the files I'm supposed to be finding to delete.

So unless my last trick works (my uncle said something about running my hard drive as a slave drivfe to a non-infected computer to let it boot and run the scanners - I'm gonna see if he'll help me with that), I will have to back up all my files and completely format my hard drive, just start over. :\ Which means until I get everything sorted and saved and rebooted, I cannot be online because I don't want some jerk to read everything I'm doing on my machine.

So, I don't know how long it'll be before I can actually start posting again. I just don't have an extra machine to use as a backup until I get this all sorted. *sighs* Anyway, wish me luck....

Have to wonder what they were thinking...

Apparently a Wal-Mart worker got trampled to death by shoppers on Black Friday this year. Nobody stopped or bothered to move around the guy when he fell. Apparently none of them bothered to help him either.

That rather disgusts me.

I am, however, happy to know they are treating it as a homicide case. There's no excuse for that. That guy, knowing where he worked, had no choice but to be there that day (sick or not). Couldn't have avoided the crowds by staying home (though people really shouldn't have to avoid being trampled just by going out shopping... if they want to be trampled they can go to Pamplona for the runnig of the bulls). And people were too greedy and busy to get their bargain shopping done, they didn't even stop to avoid hurting or killing somebody.

I am so disappointed in my fellow man.... No, it's beyond disappointed. I'm outraged. That people turn into that big of MORONS for a day of shopping... and it really is all greed, folks. That's not what this season is supposed to be about.

I hope those idiots are damn proud of themselves. I really do.

*shakes her head*

Correction

Okay, well, I told my family about the chocolate covered diamonds thing today. A correction has been made by my sister.

She's heard the ad too. It's chocolate COLORED diamonds. That makes MUCH more sense.

But is far less funny.

Oh well.

Chocolate-covered wha?

I think I may just have heard the worst gift idea of the holiday season.

Was listening to the radio on the way home, and an ad for some jeweler came on. Naturally, I tuned it out. Until I heard:

"Or check out our new cocoa diamonds!"

Now, even this didn't seem too attention-worthy, since I figured it was the name of some random color of diamond they were offering. But it went on:

"That's right! Chocolate-covered diamonds! What better gift to give your loved ones this holiday season?"

Uh... the heimlich maneuver? Trip to the dentist?

Can we say "lawsuit waiting to happen"? Yes, yes I think we can.

Well, since it was recently pointed out on a forum that Olberman's speech is similar to a speech made several years ago by John Lewis, I figured I'd post that one up here as well:

Mr. LEWIS of Georgia.

Mr. Chairman, I want to thank my friend and colleague for yielding me the time.

Let me say to the gentleman that when I was growing up in the south during the 1940s and the 1950s, the great majority of the people in that region believed that black people should not be able to enter places of public accommodation, and they felt that black people should not be able to register to vote, and many people felt that was right but that was wrong. I think as politicians, as elected officials, we should not only follow but we must lead, lead our districts, not put our fingers into the wind to see which way the air is blowing but be leaders.

Mr. Chairman, this is a mean bill. It is cruel. This bill seeks to divide our nation, turn Americans against Americans, sew the seeds of fear, hatred and intolerance. Let us remember the Preamble of the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths self-evident that all people are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights. Among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

This bill is a slap in the face of the Declaration of Independence. It denies gay men and women the right to liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Marriage is a basic human right. You cannot tell people they cannot fall in love. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. used to say when people talked about interracial marriage and I quote, ``Races do not fall in love and get married. Individuals fall in love and get married.''

Why do you not want your fellow men and women, your fellow Americans to be happy? Why do you attack them? Why do you want to destroy the love they hold in their hearts? Why do you want to crush their hopes, their dreams, their longings, their aspirations?

We are talking about human beings, people like you, people who want to get married, buy a house, and spend their lives with the one they love. They have done no wrong.

I will not turn my back on another American. I will not oppress my fellow human being. I have fought too hard and too long against discrimination based on race and color not to stand up against discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Mr. Chairman, I have known racism. I have known bigotry. This bill stinks of the same fear, hatred and intolerance. It should not be called the Defense of Marriage Act. It should be called the defense of mean-spirited bigots act.

I urge my colleagues to oppose this bill, to have the courage to do what is right. This bill appeals to our worst fears and emotions. It encourages hatred of our fellow Americans for political advantage. Every word, every purpose, every message is wrong. It is not the right thing to do, to divide Americans.

We are moving toward the 21st century. Let us come together and create one nation, one people, one family, one house, the American house, the American family, the American nation.

Timing

So, now that it's started snowing... now that we're getting frosty ground regularly and soon it will all be frozen over... now that it's probably a horrid time to plant....

I got my 11 free trees from the Arbor Day Foundation.

Thanks, guys. *headdesk*

Hopefully we'll find a way to keep them alive over the winter. Was planning to give them to my parents since they wanted more trees in their yard. That would suck if they all just up and died.

Blooming Tea

I have always been amazed at arts like this... always wondered how the maker can possibly know that the end result will be so beautiful. Much like with fireworks... things that are not often noted as arts.

Yes, I took the bloom from my teapot and put it in a vase. And there it will stay until it loses cohesion and stops being beautiful. It's just a simple little thing... but worth preserving for as long as possible, for the work of art it really is.

Something strange has happened....

For the first time since college, I've gotten hungry for ramen.

Except now I doctor it up so it's actually worth eating (granted I did like the Shin Ramyun spicy ramen they used to sell at the Asian grocery... oh how I miss that...).

Also, I finally found a tea shop near me that's well worth going to. I rather wondered how they stayed in business being so hard to find. Spoke to the lady inside - they've been there for about 6 years, and make most of their money through wholesale. They import several of their items directly from China....

I behaved myself. I only bought 3 things.

..... okay 4. But the sakura tea looked interesting and I couldn't resist.

Public Service Announcement

The following transcript is something I feel is well worth posting:

[Keith Olbermann]
Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them—no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.

You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this: "I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge. "It appealed to me as the highest that I can envision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love."

Maybe, in that way, Prop 8 passing was a good thing.

No - hear me out!

See, Proposition 8 is just one more in a long line of state laws being passed that are terribly unconstitutional. My own state passed a law banning gay marriage a few years ago, which irked me to no end. But never once has it actually gotten national attention.

Until it happened in California. California, which has a large gay population. Which has Hollywood. Which has all these things we expect to be so progressive.

And yet this bill passed.

It was a wakeup call, and, terrible as the passing of this law is, it got everyone's attention.

Sometimes bad things need to happen to slap people in the face and make them say "enough is enough". It is a shame, but it's true.

Hopefully this will be that slap in the face this country needs. Hopefully we will rise up and tear down these laws that try to tell us it is wrong to love somebody.

I'll tell you something. Love may be hard, it may make us a little crazy sometimes, but real, true love is never wrong. How can it be? How can it possibly be? This, the purest and most unpoisoned of all emotions? I'm not talking about all the substitutes out there that are often mistaken for love, but love itself, true and genuine. How can that ever be wrong?

If there ever comes a day in this world when I feel in my heart that real, true love is wrong, then this will be a world I no longer want to live in.

The hardships... those are the true test. The test that makes some people grow stronger and others cower away in weakness. The test that causes some bonds to forge and others to split.

So maybe that's why such things are necessary in every life. Only then are you truly laid bare to yourself, and forced to face you at last.

The question is, who do you find when you look that deep inside?

I feel so loved

So, I came home early yesterday with a fever of 102.6 (yes, it is down somewhat today but not gone - yes, I will be going back to rest some more here soon).

I call my parents to let them know since that's rather high and I wanted somebody to be aware (well, somebody closer - James had been informed I was going home sick so called to check in on me already). They said to keep an eye on it, but not to worry because I always got high fevers growing up, and often hit fevers of 104 as a child. At which point I mentioned that that's a little scary since they say that a prolonged fever of 103 or higher can cause brain damage.

So how do my parents respond? With words of concern making sure I get my fever down ASAP? Telling me to lie down and drink lots of fluids and stay cool? Oh no. Dad immediately responds with:

"Oh, so *that's* what's wrong with you."

Gee thanks, Dad. I love you too. lol

Holy crap...

I just found gas for $1.89 .... filled up my near-empty tank for under $30. I nearly died of shock.

Has anybody else noticed the irony that our election day is held just a few days after a holiday we celebrate by dressing up and pretending to be someone we're not?

Good night. I love you. I'll see you in the morning.

It's strange, what you think of in the dead of night when your brain is tired and just doesn't want to think anymore. When you think you're utterly sapped out and just need to drift off, but there's that one last thing floating in your mind.

This entry is a long time in coming. It's quite often over the past few years that I've pondered this very thing in the middle of the night, but never once did I post it.

Until now.

There are all too many things we take for granted in life. Doesn't matter how old we are. But it seems in childhood is when it happens the most. All too soon we want to grow up. Then when we do, we realize what we've lost. Or, at least, that's how it goes for those of us whose childhoods were, well, the way a childhood should be. But one thing I find myself missing is small, simple... just the utterance of three short phrases:

"Good night.
I love you.
I'll see you in the morning."

Every night for nearly 18 years (excluding, I suppose, when I was a baby since I wouldn't have understanded the words then), this was the last thing I heard before going to sleep. It's one of those little things you never realize you care about so much until you miss it.

"Good night" I'm sure we all keep hearing now and then. It's fairly common. That one we'll say to pretty much anyone as an evening "goodbye".

"I love you"... now there's something we hear less often. Even rarer if the person saying it well and truly means it. I suppose there must be those in the world who go their entire lives without hearing it. And for that, those of us who have heard it, I guess, ought to be grateful. Especially those of us who have heard it said and truly meant by someone outside our own family.

"I'll see you in the morning." Strange, isn't it, how that phrase is heard even less often than the other two. After we no longer get tucked in by our parents, it seems to go away entirely. There's plenty of "I'll see you tomorrow", but no "I'll see you in the morning."

Somehow, combined, the three phrases seem somehow more powerful. That strange comforting effect, perhaps just because it reminds us of a simpler time when we had fewer worries, when we were more sure of our place in the world.

Lately, at last, I have two of these phrases becoming more common in my life. "Good night" and "I love you." The latter, it seems, we went so long without saying, for whatever reason. But either way, it's nice to hear it again, and nice to hear it combined with a "good night".

Hearing all three together, I suppose, may never happen again. It's sort of limited, somehow, to tucking someone in. You have to say goodnight, leave them, and then expect to see them as soon as they wake up. I mean, I know some couples have taken to sleeping in separate bedrooms, but I rather find the practice somewhat silly myself. So your therapist told you the bedroom should only be for sleep and nothing else. Do people not like cuddling with their significant other in their sleep? Seems odd to me.

But it's strange, how much I miss that little triad sometimes.

But two out of three ain't bad.

New career?

So... I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just forget all else and take my creative pursuits in an odd direction to make money (with this economy it's tempting - the jobs I want either aren't hiring, or it's about impossible to get anything entry level with pay that I can afford - sad when you have to worry if you'll LOSE money by working at a place, just thanks to the gas prices).

I mean, I'm doing well where I am, but it's no secret to them that it's not where I want to be (which I suppose makes it that much more impressive to them that I'm doing this well... but just because I don't want to be there doesn't mean I won't do a good job while I AM there, and from what I'm told that makes me different from a lot of people, go figure). I find that funny actually... I apparently don't interview well because in spite of working on my confidence and social skills, when I'm new in a place (which includes interviews - can't be newer than that, right?) I'm still pretty awkward. But those who actually see through that to keep me tend to find out what an asset I am. My "worst" seems to be better than a lot of people's "average", and maybe even better than their "best" though I have no idea how many others are slacking off to be sure if they're even trying.

Of course I have to pause and make a tangent off my tangent to give a public thank you to Brian (dang, sorry, forgot your last name) of Tattletale Alarm. He's one of the most perceptive people I've ever met, and in an hour was able to tell me all about myself, down to the style of work I probably preferred. I don't believe he made a single mistake. At the time, though, I thought he had made one. At the end of the interview, he told me I'm a businesswoman. I disagreed, but he insisted I just didn't see it yet.

I think I'm starting to see it now.

Strangest interview I've ever had... was more like sitting down and chatting with friends by the end of it. Even if I was nervous as ever. Definitely the first interview I had where a dog was determined to get me hired. Ah well. Shame there wasn't a fit, but I guess that just means my life is leading me elsewhere. Or maybe that it just wasn't time yet. Who knows? Life's funny like that.

Anyway, back to the career change.

I tend to write instrumental music now and then for fun, that turns out well. But usually if I try to add lyrics to something, it ruins everything. I can write poetry, I can write music, but heaven forbid I try to put them together.

Unless they're utterly stupid, parody-ish songs (think stuff along the lines of "driving a truck with my high heels on", the vast majority of Denis Leary's songs - utterly ridiculous, most goodnatured jabs that might get my butt kicked by those with a less forgiving sense of humor). First was the infamous Pennsylvania Song that my parents got to listen to as we were getting lost in Pittsburgh. Invented on the spot based on the conversation, and things that actually happened.

Then there was the Canada Song which is not complete. Not necessarily a parody, but the lyrics are so corny it sounds much better if I pretend it was meant to be a goofy sort of song.

Today it was a love song involving a truck stop. Because on the way home from vacation there's a truck stop/gas station called "Love's", and dad made some comment that "love's truck stop" just made it sound wrong. I decided it sounded more like a bad country song.

I already have the first verse and need more.

Between the dumb songs and the book I'm trying to write, I'll have some material that may make some publishers think I'm out of my gourd here before long. lol No idea how long the book will take, but I WILL be finishing this one, and it's definitely getting pitched to someone.

On a final unrelated note, after a week of being away, my cat is VERY happy I'm home. Her babysitter for the week said she was an absolute pain within a few days of my leaving (thankfully didn't take long to give up her hunger strike), and I had a few stray messes to clean up. *shakes her head* My cat has separation anxiety... and gets jealous of any other animal in the house so I can't get her a buddy to play with. Can't afford kennel fees - no use though since she's not too big on strangers. She likes most of my family, but she's a bit warier than she used to be since whatever happened to her eye way back when, before she was an indoor kitty. So I don't have many options. She ignored the used shirt I left out for her to snuggle with.

Granted this time was worse than others, probably because of the power outages the same week I left. It disrupted our routine beforehand, then I disappeared for a week. She's now sittign here beside me, at least one eye open at all times to make sure I'm still here. Hopefully she won't go bananas when I leave for groceries tomorrow.... cats are easier than dogs to leave behind, I guess, but oy. Sad part is, if the drive weren't so long, I might have been able to take her with me. She actually adapts very well to new locations, as long as she knows where to find her food bowl, her litter box, and the bed. lol But she doesn't like the car.

Oh well...

Wild foods

Was going to go out with my parents today, but decided today was too nice to let myself be stuck in stores. Stuck around at their place for a little bit afterward, their dog tagging along, and took a short walk along the creek there.

This was when I realized that, in addition to the fact that I spent more time outside when I was a kid and living with them, I have also been missing something from my diet since I moved out of there.

Wild foods.

Notice I didn't say natural foods. No, I'm not talking organic. I'm talking about honest to god, walk out into your backyard or the nearest forest where countless animals are bound to have peed on it kind of wild food. Best stuff in the world, I'm telling you.

See, it's not that the yard I share with my grandparents isn't nice, just for some reason between here and just 1/4 mile down the road the ecosystem is different. For one, up here I'd be more at risk of farm contaminants even if I did find something, since the fields right by me are crop fields. My parents live next to a cow pasture but that land is pretty much chemical-free. Yes, the creek also runs by my backyard too, but it doesn't have those low-slope banks, and just doesn't seem to have the same kind of soil. Here we have a few inedible weeds (okay, nettles are edible/make good teas after they dry, but are YOU going to pick them for me?). But there is a little spot right by my parents' creek that they never mow, that has wild onions, violets, and all sorts of things that are probably also edible if I cared to look them up.

And when I was a kid and spending so much time in the interesting diversity of my parents' yard, I would grab whatever plants were nearby and just munch on them, not even stopping to think of what kind they were. Various weeds I'd eat the shoots. Much to my mother's dismay I was fond of her daylily shoots too - didn't know at the time that daylily shoots and petals are, in fact, a perfectly edible food source. I just knew the little white bits tasted good.

So I wonder what nutrients are missing from my diet now that I don't just sit around outside and eat plants at random. Who knows what good I may have gotten from those? I certainly seemed healthy back then.

Of course, it was probably as much the sunlight as anything else.

Anyway, tonight I am planning to toss some chicken in the wok and stir fry it with some mushrooms, wild onions, and violets. Unfortunately the mushrooms are not wild - I forgot to ask my folks before they left if I could snatch some of the morels my other grandparents brought up from West Virginia. I'm not sure how many they have left anyway.

I suppose I'll give them a call and see if they want to do that for dinner and share with me.

Corner Gas

I have to spread the addiction.

If you have access to cable (unlike me, who has to leech off my parents' DVDs), there's a Canadian show that's recently started airing in the US that, if you have ever lived in a small town, you can easily get addicted to:

http://www.cornergas.com/

Seriously. I can't get enough of this show. There's only 4 seasons on DVD right now... I just keep watching them over and over and over... it really is one of those shows you can watch over and over again without getting tired of it.

Seriously, go watch it. Then share the addiction with a friend once you're hooked.

Public Service Announcement

No matter what you see on TV, no matter what the pet store tells you:

GOLDFISH CAN NOT LIVE IN BOWLS!!!!

Thank you. That is all.

Does this mean people will stop thinking I'm anorexic?

I have no idea if anybody reads this anymore, but if you do, you may be frightened to know....

Yesterday I weighed in at 120lbs.

Yes. She's finally the size of a normal person.

And it only took a year and quarter after graduation. How 'bout that?

Unfortunately, I now need new pants, and cannot afford new pants. Almost every pair I own is too small now.... O.o;

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Anyway, been over a month now, still hunting for a job. *heh* Have a couple interviews I'm hoping to hear back from but I have no idea how long that will be. In the meantime listings seem pretty slim in my area right now, and I can't really afford to move. Hurrah.

What, you can't hear my skin sizzling from where you are?

Yeah, that sunscreen stuff?

Wear it.

Also, when you're out on your parents' pontoon boat.... make sure the SPF is high enough.

Here's a hint: if you're as pale as I am, SPF 15 is NOT high enough. Even if it does protect from both kinds of UV rays.

I look like a cooked lobster. My knees got the worst of it so I've been waddling around the house all day - thankfully I have at least a little bit of silk clothing, though not much - only thing I can wear without feeling like somebody's trying to sandpaper my skin off.

Another chapter closed...

I sent my notice today. Just can't afford to go that far with that kind of reduction in hours.

I know it shouldn't take me long or anything. I was just hoping to have broken into something new by now. But nothing I'm interested in is open. So, back tot he same old stuff in the meantime.

Shouldn't take me long. But I still hate the process. Don't know many people who don't hate it. Just one of those necessities. I know people with no social anxieties whatsoever who still dread interviews and the like. I will never understand what it is exactly. Maybe just the scrutiny. The pressure.

Life is going to be weird for a bit....

I'm doomed....

I have discovered Aquabid. And there are bettas galore on that site.

I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque. I will not buy the super delta opaque.

But he's like.... $7.... as opposed to the $50+ they usually sell for.......... and neither of those include shipping.

No. I do NOT need to set up my 2.5 gallon right now. The one 10-gallon tank is enough. >.<;; Granted it is tempting to get a betta in the office. But I'd have to bowl it, which means no lights to heat it since our outlets are pretty much shot (3 of us are in an office built for one lol), and though we keep it pretty warm in there while we're around, it can get pretty dang cold in there when nobody's around. I suppose I could just take the fish home in the winter, and have him in the office during the summer.... but eh.

Yes, I admit it. Ever since I saw that one white betta in a store, I've been obsessed with the breed. Granted after Achilles the red terror I was rather fond of them, since I never realized before him that a fish could have so much personality. But man... I wish I had known at the store that his being white didn't mean he was sick. Should have had the sense to know, because it wasn't a dull white, this was iridescent. I found out they actually do come in white later, and could have kicked myself. I have never seen one in a fish store since.

I may be a bit fish-crazy right now. lol But I find it kinda relaxing to have the tank in here anyhow. And fish are fairly low-maintenance. I say this as I have a minor outbreak of ich... so tomorrow I get to run to the pet supply store nearby and grab some medicine. Need to stock my arsenal, since all I had was the stuff to help cure tears and fin rot for my betta. I've never had a fish get sick before now, but then I've also never had multiple fish at once, nor live plants. And supposedly ich is just a fact of life for most aquariums, so I'm not fussing too badly. Nobody's looking sickly yet, so the things haven't been attached to them long. I've joined a sort of discussion group online that's already given me some advice on it, and nobody else seems to think my fish are in real danger as long as I medicate them.

If only all medicine was as cheap as fish remedies...

I never did get to the pharmacy to see if anybody offers those stupid eyedrops at less than $100. *grumps* That much, just for something to stop my eyes from clouding when the weather turns cold. My immune system went haywire this year.

Fish

So I have a fishtank. With fish in it.

Sure, I've had bettas before. But now I have a ten-gallon. Why? Because I kept being haunted by the images of Howie's at the pirate parties, a nice 10-gallon tank sitting there, where a betta was living peacefully with other fish. I decided, I had to try it. After some careful reading of about 20 different sites, I decided the ONLY consistency I was finding was that neon tetras and bottom-feeders will generally not be harmed by the betta, nor will they attack his fins. So, that's what I chose. I now have 5 neons (1 died on the way home by flinging himself against the bag.... not the brightest bulb in the box, that one), one male Betta splendens (who was aggression-tested before we left the store - though his scales and fins were in perfect shape, he didn't flare even at other bettas), and one golden dojo loach.

I also have a handful of live plants - jungle val and anacharis. Which, as I am told, puts me at risk for snails since I wasn't warned that even store-bought live plants where they do not keep snails to sell will have snail eggs. But the advantage I have is that loaches are egg-eaters. Even if the dojo is not as active as people claim that species is, and sits on the bottom all day until he sees food float by.

Well, the other day, I did indeed come home to eggs.



After posting to a fish forum, it appears that they were not snail eggs as I feared, but fish eggs! Whoops, guess I shoulda posted before feeding them to the loach. Oh well, with luck it will happen again. I have determined they probably belong to the tetras, though I don't know if the loach is a male or a female. But supposedly loach eggs are red. Those are definitely not red, and one of my tetras looks "fat" (compare the one on the far right to the others - you'll have to click on the pic and view the full size to notice the difference probably, but the ones to the left are more streamlined):


Also, notice the bubbles in the egg picture. There were many more of them when I looked at the tank again this afternoon, just before I knocked the eggs down for the dojo to eat. After a bit of poking around, my suspicion was confirmed. My betta apparently decided if there are eggs, they must belong to him, so he made a nest for them. Shame I don't have a breeding setup just now. It'd be nice to get a female and see how he does raising his own spawn.

But in any case, if those are, in fact, tetra eggs (I don't have an extra tank to move them to at the moment, so the fry will probably be eaten before they get big enough to tell for sure - though I guess if they hatch at all they're the tetras, since I doubt the loach can fertilize its own eggs), I am way luckier with fish than I thought. Why? Well, everything I've heard about neon tetras says they're nearly impossible to breed in an aquarium PERIOD, and especially not in a community tank with other species.

Pet Food Recall

I know everybody's heard about it by now, but just in case you haven't gotten the latest:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/03/30/pet.food.recall.ap/index.html

Biggest thing to note:

DRY FOODS ARE NOW ON THE LIST!!!!

Before the article said the FDA knew another company had used the allegedly tainted wheat gluten, but they weren't releasing the name. It has since been edited, and since I no longer see that line, I assume this Hill's Pet Nutrition place was the one in question.

Needless to say, even though my brands are not yet on the list, I'm gonna be watching my cat REALLY close for a while..........

"The FDA was working to rule out the possibility that the contaminated wheat gluten could have made it into any human food." I am hoping this was at the same time as trying to seek out more about it in the pet foods. Because guess what, FDA, to some of us, our pets are family, and losing one of them is as bad as losing any other family member.

新年快乐！

Happy New Year!

*heh* Well, the dog went back.

She apparently decided my carpet would make a lovely snack while I was gone. x.x She's fine when you're there with her, but I can't be there all day and I'd rather not have to crate her for as much time as I'd be gone.

No more dogs. I can't do that again. If I want to be around them, I'll hang out with other people's.

Figured I'd better update by now.

Brought home another dog. An American Eskimo this time. She seems pretty well trained, howls a bit at night right now for some reason, though she didn't the first two nights. Hopefully she'll settle.

Hopefully the cat will too. I've never had a dog indoors before, here or otherwise. The cat has been around dogs before but right now she's been hiding under the bed a lot. Came out for a bit but seems to have gotten some backward progress.

I'm also having issues adjusting, but mom reminded me it took me at least a week to get used to the cat. So I'm giving it at least two weeks before making a decision, trying not to stress out and so far failing quite frequently. *heh* Still have a long way to go there. But I have to remember, it'll either work or it won't, and if it doesn't, it's a no-kill shelter and they will take her back within 30 days.

We meet again, my most worthy of adversaries.

Okay, so like, for a while now I've wanted to get my firelite up and running, because it has, yanno, my entire college portfolio on it.

First problem was that my computer didn't recognize that anything had been plugged in at all. Right, okay, look up some stuff ont he website - hey it needs an AC adapter. Cool. Bookmark the product link, make a note to order one later.

Fast forward like a year or so (as in this week). I finally order the adapter. Yay!

Plug in the adapter. My computer dings! I click on the hardware list - IT KNOWS WHAT IT IS! Huzzah! Progress! Go to My Computer to open the files, rather happy....

And it's not there.

Okay, fine. Troubleshoot.

Okay, drivers are fine, everything's fine, Windows goes "uh, yeah I totally can't help you."

Right. Go to smartdisk's site. Whoa! There's actually a user's manual for this thing? How come I didn't get one with my firelite in the first place?

Turns out I really coulda used that manual.

To use a firelite with windows, you have to format it for either windows or both windows and mac, specifically. It will only work automatically with a mac. Basically: to get to my files I must erase my files.

Ummmmmmm no.

Crap.

Mood gets totally deflated as I keep reading about this process - have to create a partition for the external hard drive, blahblahblah....

So my college portfolio is STILL held hostage by this evil, evil little device.

Touche, monsieur Firelite... Touche.

I don't suppose anybody really close to me has a mac I can borrow some space on for a bit do they? I need to get my files off so I can format the disk so I can put my files back on the disk.

Man does my head hurt.

I haven't had nearly enough coffee for this.

Well, the dog is now in a foster home, with someone who is trying to find out if he would be okay left alone with other dogs. If so, I guess he's going to go ahead and fill out the paperwork to keep him.

I'm happy, but I still miss him. I really wish it could have worked out... but separation anxiety in a dog is too serious a problem for someone with my schedule to handle.

Dog gone

Alright, so kinda a lame title, especially for a sort of serious post. See, this week I adopted a German Shepherd mix the shelter had dubbed "Shaggy". Great dog, fairly quiet, good-natured, well-mannered. And absolitely beautiful. But then, all dogs are beutiful when you love them. I was told he had previously been crate trained and house trained, and that he was good with cats. So I figured it'd work out reasonably well.

They explained to me a little about crating, and that he'd probably whine some in his new home. But if he started to tear things up, it could be a sign of bigger problems. I was given the forms, told I could call them at any time for advice, and I had 30 days to bring him back if things didn't work out. Thankfully, it didn't take me that long to find out - better sooner than once he's actually attached.

We got home, he seemed to relax in the house very quickly. The cat, however, was less thrilled. Can't blame her really - he is NOT a small dog. He can lay his chin on my countertops with no real effort. I tried to follow their advice, and put him in the crate sometime before bed to test and see how he'd do. As expected, there was some whining. I was told also to ignore it, and not let him out until he'd stopped for a bit. Ignoring him includes not even saying "no", because even negative attention is attention, and it gives them a reason to keep it up.

I took him out sometime before bed, walked him outside, let him sit with me a bit, then crated him again for the night (partly because the bedroom is the cat's safehaven and I didn't want him sleeping there until she relaxed more, partly because I didn't know how he'd react to the house in general, and partly because I needed to see how he acted to know if he'd be safe left alone while I was at work). Now mind you, he will sit in his crate even if you're not in the room, as long as it's open. He thinks it's just great to be in it, even with it shut, if you're there with him. But close it and walk away and the problems start. The whining I expected. Even the barking (he's got the least obnoxious bark I swear I've ever heard...), and the howling. But after a bit, I heard the telltale signs of him tearing at the crate. Still, the advice was to ignore him. Well, I could ignore him in the sense of not giving him any attention, but not in the sense of being able to sleep through the racket.

I went to work the next day, on no sleep at all, leaving my grandfather with a request to check on him and make sure he wasn't injuring himself while I was gone. And, at lunchtime, I called the shelter. No answer, so I curled up at my desk and went to sleep for about half an hour. Then they called back - one of the younger staff there gave me suggestions on a couple kinds of toys that are good for keeping a dog busy. Though she also didn't seem to understand why I didn't think going to insane lengths to make him tolerate my lifestyle was a good idea. He's 5 years old, and I don't have the sheer time it takes to properly help a dog through separation anxiety. I don't want him to tolerate my home, I want him to LIKE it, and that can't be forced. If he's not as happy with me as he ought to be, if he's going to be upset every day, he will be much happier in the long run with someone else.

But I hung up, tracked down my mom and asked if she minded doing a wal-mart run with me. I picked up the toys, and some treats, and hoped it would work.

That afternoon, Grampool told me he had done okay.... but he missed something I saw right off. He'd torn a chucnk off his crate. I'd have to watch him closely that night. I took him outside, I ran him until he insisted on going back inside. I made sure he was tired, in case that would help him calm down. I let him hang out with me in the living room all evening.

Then I crated him to take a shower, as a sort of test again. This time, he wouldn't even calm down to be in there for that long. Less than half an hour, and he was already ripping. But, I hadn't tossed both his toys in yet. So I figured, okay, maybe he'll be alright. Let him out until bedtime, and a few hours later re-crated him. And walked to the bedroom. And tried to sleep past his whining.

The night before, he had taken 10-20 minute breaks between fits. Last night, however, he was relentless. Barking, whining, tearing at the crate all at once. Around midnight I realized he wasn't stopping. I grabbed my radio, hoping that would at least quiet him for a bit. I went into the room where he's staying, turned on the light... and there was blood on his muzzle. He also had slobber all down his front from panting and generally being over-stressed. I opened the crate, tried and failed to get him to sit still long enough for me to 1) wipe the blood off him and 2) figure out if that was more blood or just slobber on his paws. Called my grandfather for help, so one of us could hold him while the other took a look (tried my parents but their phone was off). Thankfully the cut isn't as deep as I feared, but I kept thinking, this dog is going to end up seriously injuring himself if he's left alone that often. And I'm not sure, but I think he's getting worse the more he gets to like me, because that makes being away from me worse.

So I left the crate open, and slept on the couch. Called my boss this morning, opting to take a personal day in the interest of not having to stress the dog further. He's pretty much been sleeping all morning - and it's no wonder, it took him ages to stop panting last night.

That's the worst of it. I've already fallen in love with the pup. He's calm, reasonably quiet aside from when he's in the crate, very well-mannered indoors, understands what no means. I mean, he tries to nose at the trash when he thinks you're not looking, and tries to eat the cat's food, but all dogs do that. And he sneaks onto the couch when he sees my back turned too. As soon as I see him though, he hops off and tries to act like he did nothing. He's got just enough of that mischeif streak to make him fun.

He just will never be able to live someplace where he's left alone. Probably the best place for him would be a house where he can go both indoors and out, where there is at least one other dog to keep him company, since his owners will at least have to leave him for grocery shopping and such, even if there's usually somebody home.

I've called the shelter, and I'm taking him back when they open in half an hour. There's a choice of a 75% refund, or you can leave everything on record and get another dog later. I dunno how long it'll be before I find another dog I like quite so much to want to take it home, so the refund is probably the better idea. For now, Shaggy's sleeping by my computer chair.

I went crazy taking photos today so I'd have something to remember him by.

"Shaggy" in his crate, before I had his toys:


A nice side view of him, now with his stuffed animal and Kong toy (or rather, something made like them since I couldn't find the actual brand name):


Now tell me who could resist this face?


Or this one:


Here's what he looks like when his ears "stand up" (that's all the farther they go):


*sniff sniff* Yup, somebody peed there.


Here's a good one to get an idea of his size - Shaggy with my grandfather:


Shaggy with his new buddy, uh... Buddy. He kinda ignores him though. Buddy is way more interested in Shaggy than Shaggy is in him.


If you have ansy questions as to why I have to give him up:


And the chunks I managed to find that he tore off:


Some of the facial closeups, you might be able to see where he cut himself if you look hard enough. The dried blood sorta matches his fur though. It's not a bad cut, but I keep thinking of how badly he keeps trying to tear up the crate, and I know that even if I let him sleep in my room it won't be enough - I mean, what about while I'm at work? It wasn't a bad cut this time, but it could get worse if it continues.

I was really kinda hoping he'd make it okay. He really is a great dog....

Well, the holidays have come and (almost) gone.... I head back to work on Tuesday. The week off was rather nice, I'll admit, though it never seems long enough.

Didn't get near as much done as I thought I would over the week, but such is life. I at least got some laundry done and my tree taken down. Only got to the humane society over the weekends like normal - there's a new pup there by the way. 7 month old mixed breed they're calling Sox - a brindle with short flopped ears and white socks on her feet. I've found she answers to Josie. Absolutely sweet animal, though she seems a little skittish. We walked near the cats' outdoor pen, and when one of the cats came up to the fence to investigate, the dog got a bit jumpy. Nobody there knows what her past is because the dog warden brought her in. But I was almost tempted to bring her home myself.

We went shopping earlier i the week and I dropped about $200. >.< I suppose it makes up for me not having bought my allotment of one dvd per paycheck for the past like, 4 months. And I got a new winter coat on sale - marked down from $140 to only about $50. And some new stuff for my phone - a headset so when people call me and I'm, say, cooking dinner, I still have both hands to talk. There were other things too but nothing major.

And I think my dog allergy may be disappearing. The last couple trips to the humane society I forgot my alavert, but I had no reaction to the dogs. The other day I had my uncle's dog in the house for a little while (to see how the cat would react to another animal before I go and get a dog - she's not too skittish but seems a little jealous) - again, no reaction. Supposedly allergies can come and go like that though, and mine was very mild to begin with (merely annoying rather than dangerous - my nose clogs up and my eyes itch but I can still breathe through my mouth just fine). So it's possible I had an allergy last for a whopping 5 years. Go figure.

Not much else to report. My life's really kinda boring these days....

Long night

Well, that was an adventure I didn't need.

Last night, right before I was about to crawl into bed, the CO alarm started shrieking. Took me a minute to figure out what it was because it had never gone off before. First reaction, go check the stove. Apparently I'd left a burner on (I swear I went to turn it off, but I must've not gotten it all the way off because there was just the barest hint of blue flame still there). After that my immediate thought was: "Where's the cat?" Track down the cat, drag her out from under where she was sitting, try to carry her outside by the scruff. We get to the door, she pulls the "nuh-uh that's outside - I'm an inside cat now!" and jumps away. Right. Okay. Run like a thing gone mad to my grandparents' house to borrow their cat carrier (yeah, I need my own - I intend to get one if we get out this week). I run back to the house with the carrier. Stuff the cat inside, who begins yowling. Take her next door.

My grandfather insists on going back to check the house. Understandably, he wants to open up the windows and vent the place out.

Get back to their place and call my parents. Dad said he was going to come up and check the house, and that I could stay with them for the night. Okay. He removes the battery from the alarm and puts it back. Instructs me to turn the furnace back on and shut the windows, then get out. Then he would come back in the morning and see if the alarm had started again - just in case it wasn't the burner.

Got to my parents' house, and mom got me set up in my old room, which is now a guest room. Dad ran back to the house for the cat's litter box, and we got her water and everything before shutting the door and letting her out of the carrier. Once she was out of the box she was perfectly calm. Good to know she adapts well, so if I ever move it won't stress her too badly. I climbed into bed, she stared at me for a bit until I picked her up and put her in it with me. Then she fell right to sleep..... and I'm pretty sure she slept better than I did.

This morning dad ran back over to check the place - the alarm was not ringing, and he checked - the battery was still working. So everything was fine. We dropped off the cat on my way to work.

Needless to say I was rather tired today....

Dogs

First day at the shelter went well.

Had a little time with 4 dogs.

Stardust - Shep mix. Rather sweet, but bites the leash and tries to play tug-of-war. Needs some patience.

Lucy - Australian cattle dog. Small bundle of energy, still not fully grown. Seems to want to visit with every other living thing she sees. Quick to spot weaknesses in a gate, so watch her. Loves jogging.

Macy - Rottweiler. Absolutely wonderful dog as far as behavior goes. Not good with other dogs - one barked in her face and she started snarling. Granted I can't blame her. However, she does know "come" (just a pat or a soft clap works), "sit" (they've trained sit along with a lifting of the hand), and "down" (sweep you hand along the ground and away from her - found that one out by accident). Scratch her ears and belly and she'll love you forever. Definitely has the rottie strut down, as she was trotting around the pen (they have outside ones you can unleash the dogs in) as though she were on patrol. She and Lucy were my favorites of the day.

Saydee - Shep/lab mix. Nice dog, but very barky and hyper. Doesn't like to listen. She seems to be under the impression she's the boss. I had to help another girl get her back in, because she tried to leash the dog, and the dog was another tugger. She's going to need somebody firm and consistent to work with her.

On that note... is it really that hard for most people to distinguish a play growl from a real one? I guess it just kinda comes naturally to me. The girl wanted help because she was afraid she'd be bitten. I'm actually a little surprise... one thing they missed in the shelter rules was that you should always stay calm around a high-strung dog. Again, something I guess most people don't think about. But I've always had this sort of strange understanding with animals. Well, mammals anyhow. Though reptiles seem to like me too. For some reason a lot of birds just won't warm up to me. Not sure why they seem to be the only family of animals that react that way. Maybe my body language is all wrong for them?

But the drive isn't bad, aside from trying to find the turnoff to the humane society. It's rather tucked back in. I think I'll be ging back - next time in coveralls so it's easier to tear down to a level where my cat won't pick up anything from the shelter.

As for my comments on the dogs - consider it an advertisement. :P Go adopt a dog. I suppose at this point if you're in the Delaware area - anyplace where you'd reasonably drop by there to find a dog - feel free to ask me if I know anything about whichever ones you might be interested in. Can't promise I'll know much, or even anything, but the ones that stand out to me I should be able to give you a rundown on. If it helps them get adopted to a good home, then I'm all for it.

Dogs

Yay, I got myself fully upgraded, templates and all, to the new blogger. More yay, it actually saves my links now instead of erasing them just because I changed my friggin color scheme.

Yay, if you click this link then buy stuff there it will give me money: Link!

And I might be heading into Delaware today - going to check out the drive, see if it's reasonable for semi-regular trips to the humane society. It's not actually in town in town, so not overly far. Like 20 miles or so I think my little shelter directory said. There's a couple that are closer, but I've been to the Delware one once before, and I already emailed the lady in charge of the volunteering program, who said it's perfectly okay if I just wander in whenever the heck I have time. Yeah, I'm gonna go try to help out. Mostly hoping to do more of the playing with and excercising the dogs thing - largely because I do have something of an ulterior motive for going.

See, I've decided that a cat in the house just isn't enough. I am a lot pickier with dogs than I am with cats, but I really want a dog. Yes, an indoor dog. Yes, I know I'm allergic. Want to know how serious I am? I'll get allergy shots if I find out it's a more sensible solution than buying alavert constantly (alavert is so far the only thing that doesn't make me drowsy in the way of allergy meds - if I knew what the heck that upper respiratory tea had in it that Howie and Karen gave me, I'd buy a ton of that too since it's cheaper - though I wan't a fan of the taste). Yes, I still have a phobia of needles. But I will face them to have a dog.

So I'm going to try and get to know every dog who comes into the humane society as I'm hanging around there, and hopefully will find one I want to take home. I also intend to put in an application with the ISSR Shiloh Shepherd rescue and rehome facility, so I might be adopting one of those if I can't find another dog before they match me up with one of theirs (I am making sure to put on my app that I MUST meet the dog before making a decision - all the pictures and descriptions in the world can't tell me as much as 5 minutes with the animal in person). If you've never seen a shiloh shepherd, well, basically they're like a german shepherd, only humongous. Like, great dane sized. Oh yeah. Big doggies. Big, and supposedly very smart. Considering I adore wolves, big and smart works for me. Temperament's supposed to be pretty sound too, though being big and smart I will have to make sure they know I'm boss.

Which really isn't that hard. I don't need a dog to obey my every whim, just know that my house has rules. So what if I weigh 110 and the dog 140? Doesn't matter. I babysat a doberman for a while.... a doberman on the large end. One of my cousins had one once that seemed insanely small by comparison. No, this was a friggin pony who thought she was a lapdog. This dog scared the crap out of the roofers asking if he could back down the driveway - giant dog, tiny twig girl holding it back. It was pretty funny. But she was big and smart, and stubborn. But she did as she was told.

My childhood dog was a lot smaller (half beagle, half who-knows-what), but also the smartest dog I've ever met. Smarter than most humans I know........ granted that doesn't necessarily take much, but you know what I mean. Great dog. Stubborn as hell. Wouldn't listen to you unless she saw good reason to. Tricks? Pfft. Her favorite was "run to the creek and play deaf". Fetch? More like "I grab the ball, you chase me and try to get it back." But she listened where it counted - she knew she wasn't allowed in the road. Only allowed indoors when invited. Don't jump all over people. She had a heart as big as her brain. Saved a turtle once. I thought she was playing with it. She wouldn't listen to me when I told her to drop it (normally that was a command she obeyed). Brought the thing all the way to me, set it down, and stared until I picked it up. There was a chip in its shell - it had been hit by a lawn mower. She was also protective - she figured out my mom didn't like snakes, so anytime mom was in the yard, the dog would go around killing any snake she found. She also really didn't like the utility guys.... not since one walked toward mom with a big tool in his hand and she assumed he was after her. She definitely had a streak of mischeif and a mind of her own, but she loved our family and was most certainly part of it. I want that experience again, though I know no dog will ever match up to my Jodi.

But basically speaking, big dogs are not a problem for me, really, as long as they're not overtly aggressive (and maybe even those I'd be fine with - I've never had a dog aggressive toward me to know). And I far prefer smart dogs. I just can't stand the dumb ones. No matter how sweet and loveable they are. I'll pet them, I'll play with them, but I don't want to take one home with me. Give me somebody who's got brains, knows how to use 'em, and isn't afraid to tell me when something's not right.

Oh yeah, I have a public blog.

Well, back from vacation (as of a couple weeks ago). Hurricane force winds, island cut off from the mainland. Oh yeah. It rocked. :P And we think we might have seen somebody get sucked into the ocean, but we're not entirely sure....

Day one:

Day three:

Well, a couple new things. I'm off to the ocean for vacation tomorrow. No, not Florida. Yes, I know it's November. That's the best time - no crowding. And if there's a southwest wind it will be plenty warm enough.

Meanwhile, I switched to the new blogger thing today. We'll see how this works. If it's faster, than AWESOME. If it doesn't suit me... well... no turning back now. The templates are supposed to be easier to edit now, though, which is a plus if that's really the case.

Also awaiting word from amazon on their referral program.

And somebody needs to like, not be annoying. I wanna know how James managed to attract a freak show when it comes to recruiters.... people asking for information they're not supposed to ask for, varying levels of rudeness.... just, wow. I find it ironic that these are the kinds of people who can apparently get jobs, and the polite people who actually know how to work with others get ignored.

And my cat is telling me it's time to go back to the couch. Since I'm leaving her for a week here soon, I'd better obey. :P

And yet I didn't go into music

So, I was singing a couple arias in the shower (shut up), came out to the keyboard afterword to check what notes I was hitting, and it turns out that not only can I still COMFORTABLY hit a high C (as in, I'm thinking "huh? why did that seem so hard back in high school"), but I CAN HIT A HIGH D!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've still got it. I seriously need to get back my breath support but I've still got it.

Oh wow I'm shaking. Partly because I'm excited, partly because I just shredded my poor out of shape lungs, and partly because I was dumb enough to sing Mozart's Alleluia right after work when my energy's down.

But I can hit a high D!

Well, dad's rather unpopular here today it seems.

My cat has decided that he's now the bad guy. I mean really, how dare he make her take her worm medicine.

I tried to tell her the pills'll make her feel better. Naturally she doesn't believe me. But I'm the good guy, since I didn't try to shove pills at her, so she's loving all over me. Apparently I will protect her from the big scary man who makes her swallow things she doesn't want.

Now I just have to wipe up the carpet from where she tried to drool the flavor out.

I'm still here. No real news, no social life, but I'm still here.

Still on dialup.

And I can't seem to find out where people my own age actually hang out around here. Apparently they all had the sense to move out.

Well, I moved in a couple weeks ago, and am back online. Dialup - about 48k give or take depending on the day. We can't get DSL out here. Or cable.

The job's going fairly well. The office is much quieter than working at a front desk, that's for sure. I'm still learning my way around a bit, but I figure that'll take a while.

In the meantime, I need to seek out a place where I can do socialish things. Haven't found many people my own age just yet... dunno if I will. Granted it's not so much the age as the type of people. I need to find people I can actually talk to easily, which around here is a teensy bit harder than in Athens. But then, Athens has a lot more people... yes, even in summer when the students are gone.

I got my letter saying I graduated and that my diploma will be in the mail in 6-8 weeks. THat's good news, though I wonder why it takes them so long to send out a piece of paper. *shrugs* I'm just glad to have official word. I heard too many horror stories of seniors finding out at the very last minute that they had one more class, having to cancel jobs and all that fun stuff.

And now it's about time I sat down with my cat. She's been trying to get my attention all night.

Is this my sendoff? The same person's car alarm going off every night this week?

It just stopped for about 30 seconds... then started again.

It's been going for at least an hour. And I can't drown it out.

*twitch*

I will be moving in a couple weeks, and I don't know how long it'll take to get internet set up. Even then, it may be dialup, so I dunno how much online stuff I'll be able to stand doing if it loads slow at all. My dad says he THINKS DSL will be available on our road, if not now, soon. I get to rent the trailer that half the family has lived in. Woo baby.

Well, IF I get my job, that is. If not, it'll be even longer before I return. Because I'll be living with my parents. Yeah. x.x Not a very motivating environment. I mean, my parents are great but... I prefer having my own space. That's mine. And stuff.

Until then, I get to pack junk. Loads of fun.

Hopefully I'll be able to move out of the black hole soon. Sounds like I may be stuck there at least till winter. *heh*

Pangaea Tea

I have crossed an odd line today in my "I might as well be working here" thing with random places uptown.

I invented a new drink at Pangaea. And Kevin let me name it and is going to talk to the owner about having it officially put on the menu.

So if you ever go there and order a Mad Cow, think of me.

Been in bed most of the day.

So much for my weekend.

The best laid plans.......

I'm sitting here waiting for news from my boyfriend before I head off to the library to be all piratical and such at the library (don't look at me like that - it's a medieval demo, where piracy is perfectly allowed... just a bit difficult with no oceans nearby). He probably won't be up for a bit, but I'd like to try and find out when he's dropping by before dragging myself out of pajamas.

This is my first weekend in a while I've had time to really just kick back. And will be the first time in two months I've seen him. I've been running into the ground this year... it's kind of hard to plan for company when you don't have time to spend with anyone. But according to my advisor, I do, in fact, have all my requirements covered and am set to graduate on time. This is good news. I am ready to be done, and thankfully have a job waiting for me when I get out.

I consider myself lucky for that. The market just isn't that great these days. I know a lot of good, intelligent, hard-working people who are stuck still looking for jobs. Some graduated quite a while ago. And I know it's not for lack of skill, or people skills, or anything that a company should want.

But I at least have something. Not exactly my dream job, but it sounds like it's going to be a pretty decent atmosphere, which can make all the difference.

It's not over yet though. I still have a couple more weeks to get through, a presentation, some more papers, and my exams. 3 exams in the same day, because everybody decided to have them the last day of class. Two of those should be easy. One is from one of the profs who grades in ways that don't make sense (yes, the entire class is in agreement on this). Aside from that one exam, after Sunday the headache should be over. Well, technically after Tuesday but by then we'll have the project done, we just have to present it is all. And that's only in 5 minute slots for each group member.

Anyway, I should go attempt to do something semi-productive for a bit. Maybe clean up a little.

O.o

I think somebody on the maintenance staff must be suicidal...

It appears some crazy SOB has gone and mowed the hill.

If you've ever seen the hill up to my apartment, you'll understand why they'd have to about have a death wish.